From my Tumblr blog

I know it has been awhile, but I am currently going through some tough times right now.  Please bare with me as I slowly try to get my life back on track.
I don't want to go far into what is going on right now, as I am just not ready to take that step yet.  For now, I will share with you a few excerpts from my personal tumblr page.  This is not an easy thing to do, but getting everything down in one spot and writing seems to be very successful and therapeutic.

8/13/2013

 Everything is changing here.  I am leaving my job, whilist my husband is getting his old one back.  His name is about to be cleared (very soon!), and the season is about to change as well. 

    I ponder myself looking at the outer layer of life.  How am I spending my days so that way I can stop thinking about the …well, opposite of life.  How do I experience bliss in the small things?  How do I wake up in the morning and do what I want to do?  It would be the best thing for me to get up bright and early, go on a jog & make some tea for morning rituals… writing in my journal of the dew and embers that have burnt out from the day before.   Hell, how do I make this day better than the last…are all of these questions too hard to fathom and produce answers for?  I know I need to make goals for myself.  5 things to add into my routine.  I feel like setting a schedule for myself would stabilize my mind.  If everything is stable, and not curious and spontaneous, then maybe I can find the answers.  Here is what I’ll do (and note, these are off the top of my head)

1. Find a yoga studio / partner

2. Start to knit again

3. Study a subject, or a full course.  There are programs

4. Actually PLAN Mabon

5.  Find a meetup group, or create one.

    So, yes.  I feel like that is to be done soon.  On to it!

Blessed be

-Leah

7/24/2013

Researching Fanfiction, now.  Wanting to create a comic book.  Don’t know why my husband’s nerd status is rubbing off on me.  He is asleep right now, and I have been wishing for 2 hours now to be where he is.  Dreaming away my sadness and feelings that should not be felt.  I am saddened by what has become of me.  My loss of everyday lust for life is seemingly slipping away further and further more.  How do I keep hold of something, even though I feel no butter upon my fingers?  I feel focused and care free, even though people are telling me I am losing sight of who I was.

    “What if  I  you don’t want what they’ve planned out for me   you?  Do you resort to a life of vulgar morals and unorthodox disdain?  That, my friend, is called second guessed arrangements.  It’s bound to happen to everyone.  Reaction is just a symptom of it’s disease.”

    It scares me how much I need to find social structure, yet I find no reason why.  It’s grilled into my brain that at my age I should be creating life memories with people, and meeting new faces.  I’d rather much stay in my room and be on the computer.  If not that, baking up sweet treats or something savory that comforts my being.  If not that, going outside, and walking by myself.  How I wish to go to sleep when the moon comes up, and watch it’s tiring face doze off as I am refreshed from the dreams I experienced the night before.  Thanking Luna for her nocturnal gift, watching over me and the tide.  Offering my tea & thoughts, fresh & anew.  

Instead, I sleep in and then drag myself on a car ride filled with the noises of the wind.. rushing past our vehicle.  I used to enjoy car rides, what happened?  I can’t remember.    Then, I spend the rest of the day in retail hell just hoping that I won’t get chewed out.  I never knew how much it took to watch over a store, me being top of the food chain.   My social anxiety makes me sick, and yet I can’t just go home.  I have to be there.  It’s such a responsibility.  MY responsibility.  

    I’m slowly sinking into something I won’t be able to get out of soon.  As children, we remember everything.  Our memory is sharp and unused.  Through time and experience in this world, we slowly lose touch.  The other day I couldn’t remember my zip code.  It’s tough, but I can’t seem to think as fast as I used to.  I’m twenty, what is going on?  I can’t ovulate, my cycle is 82 days.  I am in feminine pain, but why should I experience that if I can’t bear children.  The most precious gift of all.  Or is it?  I tell everyone that I’m fine.  But something I’ve been struggling with for 4 years, took on a new chapter last week.  I told my husband I threw my meals up.  It’s partially true, but I still experience it.  I get into the bathroom, it gets halfway up my esophagus, but then the tears come and it slides back down.  I rush over to the wall, on my knees, and rest (more like hit) my head on them for support.  I start to cry but stop.  I realize, why do I put myself through the thoughts I can’t control?  Why am I granted such a task as life?  Terminally ill people crave life, yet I don’t.  Nobody understands these things, I can only translate the language in my mind to writing them.  Words are oh so powerful.

9/13/2012

My back hurts.  My muscles cramp up and I get these lung pains.  I have bronchitis, yeah for like 3 or so weeks.  I need to see a doctor.  Not an ER doctor, a private practise.  But I have no insurance.  I faint, it keeps me from doing lots.  I’m just existing right now.  I’m so tired of being tired.  I’m so tired of seeing bone.  I’ve wished for it so much.  Maybe that’s what change is.  Something you wished on years ago that just now took the universe to read from their inbox.  She gets a lot anyways.  I’m losing weight so much.  I’m starting to come to terms that I have no fucking clue anymore.  Maybe it’s a medical issue, maybe it’s my lack of food intake.  I think it’s the 2nd.  Because I’m scared of everything, I’m like a fucking deer in headlights when it comes to my fiance’s parents.  Er, Grandparents.  Long story.  I wish I could go back in time when my mother was alive.  Ever since I did drugs, actually, ever since she died… My body numbed itself physiologically, and I have no way to get off the fucking ride.  I didn’t even wanna get on in the first place.  I hate rides.  They scare the shit out of me, just like everything else.  Hell, I almost died from a Meth OD, and I tried screaming out but I had no way of describing the pain I felt.  It was hell.  Maybe that’s how my mother felt.  Nevertheless (why am I using this term again?), I didnt want this.  Why was this ordered and sent to my house?  I hate delievery.  I hate surprises.  That was a fucking surprise.  Before then, I loved surprises.  I was a kid.  I still am a kid.  But I had to grow up.  Once someone you know gets taken away from you, no matter your age, you start to go fucking crazy.  You’re in this grieving conundrum, and it’s etched in your brain that you have to fucking suffer.  No matter how awesome you treated life.  Life is a bitch, and it hates you.

Hi, My name is Leah & I am a hypochondriac.  I am a reformed smoker.  I am a recovering drug addict, and I am still battling my eating habits.  That’s one thing I took from my life before.  It’s kind of the only thing that gets me going.  Yep.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not anorexic anymore.  I’m kind of like a health nut, but I love to eat.  It’s been stripped from me.  So no, Mr. Frost..I’ve taken both roads.  Get over it.  

I feel like there’s more to say.  Maybe I’ll write more later.  Right now I wanna sleep.

11:32 // 1st Jan. 2011

I’m hiding food again.  Its crackers and peanut butter.  I think I’m not anorexic.  I just have EDNOS..yeah.  And all I’m drinking is water.  It’s sad.  
I took 2 azithromicins and 2 ibuprofens.  hopefully they’ll make me drowsy since I don’t have any weed.  I just wanna go away like to a mental institution and stay there. I know i’ll fit in.  My new years goal is to visit my ex-therapist, whom i gladly loved to death.  She was always there for me in my lowest of days.  When I think of those times, they make me happy.  My mother was alive, and we would go to the grocery store in the morning.  I loved the bi-lo. :)) Hopefully I can move back to NC because I wanna make my home up there with my sister.  I love her to death and she’s the only family I really have.

My breakfast

Hey everyone!
Today I'd like to share with you a little recipe that I have been using to help cleanse my body.  I have been looking for a way to eat healthy first thing in the morning, yet it be packed with tons of nutrients, antioxidants...and it be VEGAN!  It only has 4 ingredients, and the last ingredient is optional.

1/2 - 1 tbsp MATCHA (with Matcha preparation tools ; will list in the preparation section)
8-16 fl oz. HOT WATER (purified)
1 tsp - 1 1/2 tsp APPLE CIDER VINEGAR
BROWN SUGAR OR RAW HONEY (about a pinch or 2, depending upon how sweet you want it.  This ingredient is optional.)

TO PREPARE THE MATCHA
Here are a few facts about Matcha.
Here are a few facts about Apple Cider Vinegar.

Let's begin!
1. In a separate cup, heat your water, or CHANOYU.  Chanoyu means hot water for tea in Japan.
2. While your water is heating, put your Matcha in your teacup, or whatever you are going to use to prepare it in.  I recommend that it be a wide surface.   Traditionally, you would use a CHAWAN to prepare it in.
3.  Taking a spoon, measure out about 2 tbsp of water and place in your bowl.  Using your CHASEN, or bamboo whisk (If you don't have a Chasen, you can use a small whisk or the back of a spoon) to create a paste, or if you used too much water, a concentrated liquid.  Some people only use this step for crazy energy bursts.
4.  Add your apple cider vinegar and sweetener.  Adding it at this stage ensures that everything will be combined properly.
5.  Slowly adding your water, use your Chasen to combine.  Using a chasen will create a foam on top.  Make sure that you are not touching the bottom of your cup/bowl/etc. because that could mess up your whisk.
6.  Add the rest of your water, and repeat #5.

And taste.


On another note:
1. A friend of mine will be visiting from California for a couple of weeks, so January is going to be pretty crazy. I will try to do another couple of posts this month, but I cannot make any guarantees.  I will, however, be doing an Imbolc post this year, so that is something to look forward to.
2. I also understand that most of my posts lately are Pagan related, and I feel good about the direction it is going in.
3.  There will be a design revamp in a few weeks or earlier.

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Inspiration

Sitting in my living room, staring outside at the very foggy and overcast morning, my concentration is broken by my 2 year old tabby cat Pazuzu chirping at my 1 year old Siamese main-coon mix kitten Emily.  She is on the table watching the birds fly by.  I am thinking to myself, what is going on with Pazuzu this morning?  She is always very chirpy and talkative, but it is almost like I am understanding a cat conversation.  I am a human, keep this in mind.
This brightened up my morning, and I am sharing this on my blog in the hopes that it will make your day as well.

Well, it's 2014 guys!  And I am writing my Happy new years post about a week late, like other posts on here.  I honestly believe by writing little tidbits from my day that it will get me in a blogging mood to do bigger mass posts like I usually do.  Thing is, they are intimidating me and stressing my nerves way more than I would like it to.  So, that is my plan.  Of course there will be posts about certain things, but I will take inspiration from my favorite blogger Terri Windling.  She writes every morning, and reading her entries makes me more inspired.
Speaking of inspiration, I will be starting a spring garden this year!  There will be a plentiful amount of vegetables, fruits, and herbs!  The herb garden will be a witchy garden, and most of the herbs & plants will be used for medicinal and holistic purposes.  This is going to be a great year guys.

December 26, 2013
The days are short like my hair, nights as long as my sister's hair.  I am filling up with sadness at the dismal shortage of blog posts here.  I intended for this year to make F&A cozy and a place for memories.  But life got in the way.  Not that it was busy or anything, just life in general.
I haven't lit the yule log. It is just sitting near my non-working fireplace.  No cookies have been baked.  No Yuletide carols near the bonfires.  Not even a pinch of play in the cold air.  Life, is... so odd.
It was my twenty first birthday last Saturday, and plans took a complete 360 towards horribility.  Friends are becoming lost, family is leaving me behind while in a way... this is a way of progressing forward.  Yesterday was Christmas & My sister decided to spend it with a family who threatened me on facebook.  Where is the logic in that?
And finally, where does 2014 lead me?  Hopefully somewhere great. I want to travel and leave this place behind.  Discovering the world is my only comfort & Joy.

Yule & Modra's night (Mother's night)

Hello everyone!  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I know not a lot of folks read my blog, but I'd like to post more regardless of the traffic.
Today is my 21st Birthday!  While I don't drink much, I will make an exception for this special occasion.  Thing is, the 21st (which IS today) is Yule.  So, I will be celebrating the two together.
I have learned that Yule spans out for 12 days, hence the origins for "The 12 days of Christmas".  So, what better to let you all know a little bit about the lore, days/nights of the year, as well as some websites who will be able to provide more details about the Sabbat.
Since I am going to be busy tonight, I thought I would give a little insight on the holiday.  I have sourced out pretty much all of my information, and will link the sources after each passage.

 

ORIGINS

THE HOLLY KING & OTHER LORE
WASSAILING

 SIXTH NIGHT & MITHRAS DAY (THE 25TH)

 

THE 12 DAYS & NIGHTS

Here are some Devotionals you can do with your family

(MY FAMILY'S) TRADITIONS

1. Yuletide Carols - These are fun to sing while you light the yule log!  Growing up Southern Baptist Christian, I would always go out and sing Christmas carols.
2. Baked goods - Check out my Pinterest board to view some yummy treats and inspiration.

LINKS

I am also participating in Pagan Health & Fitness for the whole winter!  To learn more about it & to sign up, please visit their website.

Autumnal Sabbats '13

Hello all!
So sorry that this has arrived late to Fire&Ashe.  Lately been having bipolar sparks of inspiration, therefore is ruining the sanctity of this blog... Really hoping to stick to a schedule or create drafts ahead of time so I know to stay focused.  Plus, with the holidays coming up, it's going to get even crazier & I've been vowing to myself for the longest time to mark these wonderful times for years later to look back on.  You only get to live your early twenties out once.  Life passes by without a wink of your existance, you have to make time to look at the simple things as well as the complex in order to prepare for a wonderful & beautiful life ahead.

**********

The 31st of October, known these days as Halloween, was the last of the 3 harvest sabbats (Lughnasadh, Mabon & Samhain).  I did not have a chance to celebrate Lughnasadh because I was very busy that day, but Mabon & Samhain was definitely noticed in my household.  I would love to share what all I did to celebrate the festivities, and give a little insight to those who don't quite understand.

Even though I did not celebrate Lughnasadh, or Laamas, I will give you all a quick description of the Sabbat. Lughnasadh (Loo-naa-sa) is the 1st harvest sabbat, and originated in Scotland.  It is a gaelic festival marking the beginning of the harvest season throughout Ireland as well.  It usually falls upon July 31 or August 1, but over time it shifted towards the closest Sunday to those dates.   I usually just celebrate it on the first of August, though (everyone is different).  The name is of Old Irish, and breaks down to Lug, of the god "Lugh" & Nasad(h), meaning "an assembly".  As far as traditions & activities, you can go to THIS WEBSITE.  It has all kinds of information, not just for Lammas :) .

MABON

The next sabbat, one that I did celebrate this year, is Mabon!  I love this sabbat, and I feel as if it is becoming my favorite.  During this time I feel so much more connected to my path than ever.  Mabon is the 2nd harvest sabbat as well as the Autumnal Equinox.  Night & day are at balance, and it is a time of Thanksgiving for witches.  It is celebrated on the first day of fall, September 21st.
For the day, I invited my friend who is new to the craft over to spend the day with me.  I wanted to make his first equinox special, so we went all out.
The first thing we did was bake!  He brought with him the ingredients to make "Apple Mabon bread".  CharmingPixieFlora of  Youtube originally posted this recipe & made a video on how to do so.  I didn't think it would turn out as amazing as it did, but oh man it was scrumptious.  So flavorful from the spices & fruit, delish!  While we were prepping that, we made a delicious Autumn Cider.  It lit the whole kitchen up with inticing aromas of apples & cinnamon.  If you would like the recipe, just message me, but over the holidays I will be doing a few recipe posts.  I also decided to make something with pumpkin, because everyone knows you can't celebrate the beginning of Autumn without some cucurbita!!! So, pumpkin cupcakes it was.
After everything was baked, we went outside to set up the altar.
For (North), We used herbs.  Thistle, to be exact.  We also used an apple, which is one of the many fruits of the seasons.
For Fire (South), we used the three candles.  They had a scent to it which brought the aromas of autumn into the ritual.  Rustic retreat, Pumpkin apple & Mulled Cider, YUM!
For Air (East), we used a few items to represent this item.  Incense, Myrhh & a feather.
For Water (West), We used spring water & placed a few stones in there.  Amethyst, citrine, and clear quartz.
For Spirit,  I placed my pentacle and 2 homemade polymer clay pumpkins in the center.
For the Gods & Goddesses, we used the large candle pictured below.  It had all of the colours that we wanted to represent & it had a wonderful aroma to it.  Here is the finished altar, before ritual & after!  In the bowl of .. we had 2 candles for the Gods & Goddesses.  My friend connects toward the Goddesses & the moon more.  I feel more connected to the sun and the Gods, so it was only fair to swap :)

Before the ritual.

We used the cupcakes & cider for the cakes & ale portion of the ritual.  I included all of the elements, because I work with them the most, as well as a meditation for personal reflection.  During the ritual, it started to rain, but the rain never touched our circle that we casted.  My friend thought it was the coolest thing.

After the ritual.  We decided to keep it lit

Afterwards, we just sat and engaged in fellowship.  Talking about the season, giving thanks for what we have in the present as well as the future, and also about the faith.  He was full of questions, but that did not bother me one bit.  I am a curious person as well, and he reminded me of how I was when I first started.
After a while my husband joined us and it started to heavily rain so we packed everything up and moved the party inside.  Before my friend left, to celebrate a new friendship, I gave some of my tea stash away.  We met at my workplace (which was a tea shop) & what better way to end the night.  It was a beautiful & wonderful day! 

SAMHAIN

Last but definitely not least is Samhain (Pronounced sow-win ; sow-wayne; or sometimes sah-vin) is known to many as Halloween.  There is so much traditon, lore, history behind it, so I will link you THIS.
I didn't have much $, and this sabbat can run you if you are very traditonal like me.  So, I just created a simple altar for my biological grandmother who passed away in 2010.  She adopted my sister & me when we were babies, and raised us like we were her own.  She was a beautiful soul who had a wonderful life, so I decided to dedicate the sabbat to her this year.
The eve of Samhain I made soul cakes & prepared the raisins for my barmbrack bread.  When I woke up on Samhain the first thing I did was start on the bread.  When the bread was done, I lit the altar & went outside to do an apple divination with my husband.
We also did a midnight(November 1) pumpkin carving.  It was the first time my husband ever carved a pumpkin.  I was super surpised, so I let him do the eyes and most of the mouth.  I did the nose & the tooth.  On the left picture, you can see the delicious soul cakes.  We went outside, lit the candle, and ended the night with a peaceful reflection.

And those were the Autumn sabbats this year!  I hope you enjoyed my post, and if you have any questions regarding the sabbats, or what I did to celebrate.. do not hesitate to comment!
Blessed Be!