I don't want to go far into what is going on right now, as I am just not ready to take that step yet. For now, I will share with you a few excerpts from my personal tumblr page. This is not an easy thing to do, but getting everything down in one spot and writing seems to be very successful and therapeutic.
8/13/2013
Everything is changing here. I am leaving my job, whilist my husband is getting his old one back. His name is about to be cleared (very soon!), and the season is about to change as well.
I ponder myself looking at the outer layer of life. How am I spending my days so that way I can stop thinking about the …well, opposite of life. How do I experience bliss in the small things? How do I wake up in the morning and do what I want to do? It would be the best thing for me to get up bright and early, go on a jog & make some tea for morning rituals… writing in my journal of the dew and embers that have burnt out from the day before. Hell, how do I make this day better than the last…are all of these questions too hard to fathom and produce answers for? I know I need to make goals for myself. 5 things to add into my routine. I feel like setting a schedule for myself would stabilize my mind. If everything is stable, and not curious and spontaneous, then maybe I can find the answers. Here is what I’ll do (and note, these are off the top of my head)
1. Find a yoga studio / partner
2. Start to knit again
3. Study a subject, or a full course. There are programs
4. Actually PLAN Mabon
5. Find a meetup group, or create one.
So, yes. I feel like that is to be done soon. On to it!
Blessed be
-Leah
7/24/2013
Researching Fanfiction, now. Wanting to create a comic book. Don’t know why my husband’s nerd status is rubbing off on me. He is asleep right now, and I have been wishing for 2 hours now to be where he is. Dreaming away my sadness and feelings that should not be felt. I am saddened by what has become of me. My loss of everyday lust for life is seemingly slipping away further and further more. How do I keep hold of something, even though I feel no butter upon my fingers? I feel focused and care free, even though people are telling me I am losing sight of who I was.
“What if I you don’t want what they’ve planned out for me you? Do you resort to a life of vulgar morals and unorthodox disdain? That, my friend, is called second guessed arrangements. It’s bound to happen to everyone. Reaction is just a symptom of it’s disease.”
It scares me how much I need to find social structure, yet I find no reason why. It’s grilled into my brain that at my age I should be creating life memories with people, and meeting new faces. I’d rather much stay in my room and be on the computer. If not that, baking up sweet treats or something savory that comforts my being. If not that, going outside, and walking by myself. How I wish to go to sleep when the moon comes up, and watch it’s tiring face doze off as I am refreshed from the dreams I experienced the night before. Thanking Luna for her nocturnal gift, watching over me and the tide. Offering my tea & thoughts, fresh & anew.
Instead, I sleep in and then drag myself on a car ride filled with the noises of the wind.. rushing past our vehicle. I used to enjoy car rides, what happened? I can’t remember. Then, I spend the rest of the day in retail hell just hoping that I won’t get chewed out. I never knew how much it took to watch over a store, me being top of the food chain. My social anxiety makes me sick, and yet I can’t just go home. I have to be there. It’s such a responsibility. MY responsibility.
I’m slowly sinking into something I won’t be able to get out of soon. As children, we remember everything. Our memory is sharp and unused. Through time and experience in this world, we slowly lose touch. The other day I couldn’t remember my zip code. It’s tough, but I can’t seem to think as fast as I used to. I’m twenty, what is going on? I can’t ovulate, my cycle is 82 days. I am in feminine pain, but why should I experience that if I can’t bear children. The most precious gift of all. Or is it? I tell everyone that I’m fine. But something I’ve been struggling with for 4 years, took on a new chapter last week. I told my husband I threw my meals up. It’s partially true, but I still experience it. I get into the bathroom, it gets halfway up my esophagus, but then the tears come and it slides back down. I rush over to the wall, on my knees, and rest (more like hit) my head on them for support. I start to cry but stop. I realize, why do I put myself through the thoughts I can’t control? Why am I granted such a task as life? Terminally ill people crave life, yet I don’t. Nobody understands these things, I can only translate the language in my mind to writing them. Words are oh so powerful.
9/13/2012
My back hurts. My muscles cramp up and I get these lung pains. I have bronchitis, yeah for like 3 or so weeks. I need to see a doctor. Not an ER doctor, a private practise. But I have no insurance. I faint, it keeps me from doing lots. I’m just existing right now. I’m so tired of being tired. I’m so tired of seeing bone. I’ve wished for it so much. Maybe that’s what change is. Something you wished on years ago that just now took the universe to read from their inbox. She gets a lot anyways. I’m losing weight so much. I’m starting to come to terms that I have no fucking clue anymore. Maybe it’s a medical issue, maybe it’s my lack of food intake. I think it’s the 2nd. Because I’m scared of everything, I’m like a fucking deer in headlights when it comes to my fiance’s parents. Er, Grandparents. Long story. I wish I could go back in time when my mother was alive. Ever since I did drugs, actually, ever since she died… My body numbed itself physiologically, and I have no way to get off the fucking ride. I didn’t even wanna get on in the first place. I hate rides. They scare the shit out of me, just like everything else. Hell, I almost died from a Meth OD, and I tried screaming out but I had no way of describing the pain I felt. It was hell. Maybe that’s how my mother felt. Nevertheless (why am I using this term again?), I didnt want this. Why was this ordered and sent to my house? I hate delievery. I hate surprises. That was a fucking surprise. Before then, I loved surprises. I was a kid. I still am a kid. But I had to grow up. Once someone you know gets taken away from you, no matter your age, you start to go fucking crazy. You’re in this grieving conundrum, and it’s etched in your brain that you have to fucking suffer. No matter how awesome you treated life. Life is a bitch, and it hates you.
Hi, My name is Leah & I am a hypochondriac. I am a reformed smoker. I am a recovering drug addict, and I am still battling my eating habits. That’s one thing I took from my life before. It’s kind of the only thing that gets me going. Yep. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not anorexic anymore. I’m kind of like a health nut, but I love to eat. It’s been stripped from me. So no, Mr. Frost..I’ve taken both roads. Get over it.
I feel like there’s more to say. Maybe I’ll write more later. Right now I wanna sleep.
11:32 // 1st Jan. 2011
I’m hiding food again. Its crackers and peanut butter. I think I’m not anorexic. I just have EDNOS..yeah. And all I’m drinking is water. It’s sad.
I took 2 azithromicins and 2 ibuprofens. hopefully they’ll make me drowsy since I don’t have any weed. I just wanna go away like to a mental institution and stay there. I know i’ll fit in. My new years goal is to visit my ex-therapist, whom i gladly loved to death. She was always there for me in my lowest of days. When I think of those times, they make me happy. My mother was alive, and we would go to the grocery store in the morning. I loved the bi-lo. :)) Hopefully I can move back to NC because I wanna make my home up there with my sister. I love her to death and she’s the only family I really have.
I took 2 azithromicins and 2 ibuprofens. hopefully they’ll make me drowsy since I don’t have any weed. I just wanna go away like to a mental institution and stay there. I know i’ll fit in. My new years goal is to visit my ex-therapist, whom i gladly loved to death. She was always there for me in my lowest of days. When I think of those times, they make me happy. My mother was alive, and we would go to the grocery store in the morning. I loved the bi-lo. :)) Hopefully I can move back to NC because I wanna make my home up there with my sister. I love her to death and she’s the only family I really have.
No comments :
Post a Comment